THE BONE GUYS OCTOBER 2022 NEWSLETTER
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE BONE GUYS KIND
Vampire fangs. Wax dentures. Dentists rubbing their hands together greedily as kids destroy their teeth on a steady diet of Sugar Daddies, Wacky Wafers, and Abba-zaba bars.
Yes, The Bone Guys are back (in black) for every tooth fanatic’s favorite holiday:
International Raccoon Appreciation Day!!
Also… Halloween.
This month’s issue is a hopelessly dark, macabre, spine-tingling, but actually just pretty silly, volume containing the most important dental news, along with some funny stuff about teeth, and a bat-signal-sized spotlight on our most cherished clients, fans, and customers. It also contains ancient spells said to rouse the dead from their earthly slumber.
The only information it could be conceivably missing are your own dental fun stories, favorite photos, cartoons, or anything else you’d like to share.
Just email us to see them in the next issue! Boo.
THE MOLAR EXPRESS
—A duo of father and son dentists in France were arrested for needlessly pulling out the healthy teeth of low-income residents in Marseille. Seriously not cool, guys.
—A man recounts his childhood trauma of finding a tooth growing from the roof of his mouth, all to the beat of Nicky Minaj’s “Super Freaky Girl.”
—A British woman had her tooth ripped out after biting another woman’s finger during a 2020 fight over their cars. Strangely just the start of their problems.
—The 1.8-million year-old tooth of an ancient human species was discovered by a research student in the nation of Georgia, one of the earliest signs of hominins outside of Africa.
—House of Dragons actress Olivia Cooke partied so hard the first night before shooting that she chipped a tooth.
—Simone Biles recounts a woozy come-down after having a wisdom tooth removed.
—Is Dr. Jeffrey Gurian the world’s funniest dentist?
—Dr. Onaedo Achebe created Minti, her own line of toxin-free dental products that use less waste, after being unsatisfied with those available.
—The electric chair was invented by a dentist, who was presumably unsatisfied with the regular amount of patient discomfort caused by sitting in his chair. We kid!
Ranking The Scariest Horror Villain Teeth In History
A fear of teeth and dental procedures is a condition known as odontophobia, characterized by extreme anxiety and even panic attacks at the prospect of an hour in the dentist’s chair.
But if you’re a fan of horror movies, you already know that teeth have a scary side, as they’re frequently cropping up in various ways in scenes of tension and terror, be it Laurence Olivier forcibly pulling Dusitn Hoffman’s teeth in Marathon Man, the wisdom teeth combination trap from Saw, or the teeth-rattling Chatterer from the Hellraiser series.
In short, teeth are terrifying. So in honor of October (aka Shocktober, aka Rocktober), we’ve decided to line up and rank a handful of our favorite horror villains by the frightfulness of their teeth.
No matter how bad they’re in need of orthodontics, do not let these guys book an appointment. Even if they have great insurance.
#7 The Babadook, a literary fiction given real-life personification in the fears of a traumatized young man and his grieving mother.
Why: Though he often appears in illustrations with oversized, nearly comical choppers, the creature’s slimy, black teeth often make his mouth resemble a black void when he actually materializes. Ultimately, his lack of visible teeth becomes scarier than your typical row of sharp bad guy incisors.
#6 The Nun, the recurring demon historically known as Valak, who prefers to be clad in a holy habit these days in The Conjuring series. Which is totally cool with us, girl.
Why: The Nun is already so scary, still as a painting, staring with white irises, before slinking out of shadowy corners, that somehow her bloody gums baring sharp stalactites aren’t even as creepy as just seeing her standing there.
#5 Pennywise the Clown, that fright-bewigged embodiment of the universal evil known as “It” in Stephen King’s epic novel.
Why: Already horrifying enough for simply being a clown, and a killer clown at that, when Penny bares his fangs, he reveals a snaggletoothed smile of razor-sharp fangs. See what happens when you forget to wear your retainer, kids?
#4 Xenomorph, the murderous titular badass of the Alien series with a mouth full of sharp teeth and an tongue that emobdies of a separate snake-like creature capable of piercing people’s brains.
Why: Because, duh, the thing has some entire sort of fanged creature independently attacking people from inside of its already fanged mouth.
#3 The Tooth Child, a cursed creature made completely of human teeth who sporadically appears in the horror series Channel Zero: Candle Cove.
Why: It’s not everyday that you see a humanoid made of teeth jutting out all over their head and body, but it’s certainly an image we haven’t been able to shake, becoming an instant creature feature classic.
#2 The Sugarplum Fairy from the brilliant horror satire Cabin In The Woods.
Why: She’s just your average creepy-kid-in-a-scary-movie until she turns around to reveal an open-hole-for-a-face lined in the teeth of a lamprey.
#1 Jaws, everybody’s favorite bloodthirsty Great White shark, targeting your biggest boat with rows of steak knife-sized incisors.
Why: Because while demon nuns and evil clowns and killer aliens are the stuff of everybody’s nightmares, a VW bus-sized apex predator managed to make the entire ocean feel like a believable threat for the last three generations of surfers and swimmers.
Of course, we could go on about all the teeth that frighten and thrill us in horror films, from Freddy Kruger’s rotten molars to Barbara’s cartoon-ishly stretched maw in Beetlejuice. These just happen to be the ones that give us a particular stench of dental decay that won’t leave our imaginations easily. The ones we fear getting a little too close to us.
Of course, if that isn’t enough to scare the pants off of you, check out some of our pieces from The Bone Guys’ archives, including stories on haunted dentist offices, creepy dental practices of the past, and a review of some of favorite villainous dentists from film and T.V.
HUMOR HAS IT....
ABOUT US
We are a family enterprise distributing dental products from a marvelous group of select companies—whether it be a non-profit source of restorative biologics, a high quality & cost-effective surgical solution, or simply a product referral.
We’re focused on education and helping others succeed while enjoying everything quirky and special about the dental community.
We love the world of dentistry nearly as much as we love the dentists we count ourselves so lucky to work with. Let’s join hands and celebrate all things teeth, from the practical to the extremely weird and everything in between.
A REFERRAL REWARD FOR OUR READERS
Contact Colin Browne at Maxxeus with a referral in order to win a special prize!
INSTAGRAM POST OF THE MONTH:
favorite shoes ever! Thank you @broodrestaurant for sending these to us 😍”
EVENTS, SEMINARS, FRIENDS...
We’re not sure which famous Italian haute-couture designer is responsible for this Dante-esque vest stitched from the mouths of a dozen damned souls.
Perhaps the better question is what would be the appropriate occasion for wearing it?
Better yet, what would the garment have to say?
